FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE

You ever quote a Bible verse out of Second Hesitations, or First Opinions? How about from First Assumptions or Second Fleshalonians? Pro tip: none of these are actually books in the Bible!

If there’s one indisputable fact that my research into Christianese has shown me, it’s that Christians are richly gifted in both humor and creativity. Are there aspects of Christian culture that seem untouched by either humor or creativity? Of course. But in the realm of Christian slang language, I can plainly see that wordplay and ironic self-reference are running rampant. Why, just have a look at these made-up books of the Bible.

Christians invoke the names of these books when they want to make a commentary on something that someone has said, or to underscore something they’ve just said themselves. So, for example, if a Christian tells you he’s feeling hesitant about pursuing a course of action, you might respond to him with “Where’d you get that idea? Have you been studying Second Hesitations again?” That’s funny because it does two things at once: it raises the question of whether the person’s idea is truly biblical, and it does so in a humorous way (by using the name of a made-up book of the Bible). But the use of these made-up names doesn’t always have to be so perfectly specific.

For example, suppose we’re watching a baseball game. I want to joke around, so I say, “I know the Yankees are going to read this one. It was prophesied in Hezekiah 3:16 in the Old Testament.” I come off sounding a little silly (baseball in the Bible? whatever!), but it’s doubly silly because that’s not even a real book! I would get extra points if my friend actually tries to pull up the book of Hezekiah in his iPhone Bible—because it isn’t there!

These made-up books of the Bible are interesting because they are all about Christians having a little fun at their own expense. Do the names of our Bible books sound a little funny? Sure they do. The words “Thessalonians” and “Ezekiel” roll around in the mouth about as well as “Fleshalonians” and “Hezekiah” do. The truths of the Bible are eternal, but the names of the books are thousands of years old. And old names and words for things are kind of funny.

Have you heard any other made-up names for books of the Bible? Which of these made-up books have you used?

 

Assumptions n. As in: First Assumptions; 1st Assumptions. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
Capitulations n. As in: Second Capitulations; 2nd Capitulations. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE Christians have coined several obviously tongue-in-cheek names of what might at first glance appear to be books of the Bible. In fact these books of the Bible don’t exist, and they are referred to in a mock serious way for ironic or humorous effect.
The books are: *Assumptions; *Capitulations; *Fleshalonians; *Frustrations; *Hesitations; *Hezekiah; *Opinions; *Ruminations. Of these, Hesitations and Fleshalonians are the most common.
The names of the fictitious books are meant to resemble the names of actual books of the Bible, and so they are typically plural and have multiple syllables. (Note that although the most common suffix in the actual books of the New Testament is –ians, most of these fictitious books end in –tions.) For the same reason of realism, all these made-up books can be construed with a volume number, such as 2 Hesitations or Second Hesitations, which makes them seem even more like legitimate Bible references (for example, at *Hesitations, see citations for 1992, 1997, 2005, etc.). These fictitious books can even be construed with chapter-and-verse references (at *Hesitations, see citations for 2007b, 2010). It’s up to the speaker to decide how much detail to associate with making these fictitious books of the Bible seem legitimate.
Regarding usage, there can be a connection between which fictitious book is mentioned and the conversation in which it is brought up, but there doesn’t have to be. For example, the book of Hesitations might be mentioned during a conversation in which the topic of hesitation is discussed. But an fictitious book may be cited for ironic or humorous effect without there being any connection between the name of the book and the context in which the book is brought up.
See also *fictitious churches.
Fleshalonians n. As in: Second Fleshalonians; 2nd Fleshalonians. [flesh ‘a principal New Testament metaphor for sinful desires’ + Thessalonians ‘a book of the Bible’] A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
The term may be used to comment on the sinful desires of the “*flesh” (see 2012 citation), but it may also be used in a general way (see other citations).
The term may be construed with a volume number (such as First Fleshalonians or 2nd Fleshalonians) or even a chapter-and-verse reference (see 2000 citation).
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
2000 Brandon “The Blessed Man” (sermon) (31 Dec.) rockvalleybiblechurch.org (accessed 6 Nov. 2012) : Suppose that the scripture said (in 1st Fleshalonians, 2:10): “Blessed is the man who eats Vitamin C after dinner every night.” 2010 Bailey “Broken Thermometers” (15 Oct.) bighouseinthelittlewoodsblog.blogspot.com : If feelings did play the role as oracle or prophet or decider of our faith, Christ would have inspired these quotations: “Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we feel?’ or ‘How shall we get filled up with Holy Ghost awesomeness?’ But seek ye first the subjective experience of the presence of the Holy Spirit, and these things will come to you.” —1 Fleshalonians 6:33. 2012 Kang “Men, What Do You Look for in a Wife?” (21 Feb.) thepruning.wordpress.com : We simply want the wrong things. We don’t want the proverbial Proverbs 31 woman anymore; we want a woman of our desires from 1 Fleshalonians.
Frustrations n. As in: Second Frustrations; II Frustrations. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
Hesitations n. As in: Second Hesitations; 2nd Hesitations; 2 Hesitations; II Hesitations. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
The term may be used to remark on hesitation (see 2007a citation), but it may also be used in a general way (see 2007b citation).
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
1992 Carty Playing with Fire 85 : Paul’s stoning probably went something like this (remember, this is pure conjecture on my part, something straight out of First Carty and Second Hesitations, but it will make the account more interesting). 1997 Petersen The Christian Book of Lists 53 : Books of the Bible That Don’t Exist but Sound Like They Should: Hezekiah … Ruminations … Second Hesitations. 2005 Remarkable Women 258 : My grandmother tried very hard to take care of us by quoting scriptures. Now here’s the deal. When you’re eight years old, you don’t realize there’s not a book in the Bible called Eucalyptus. Her other book was First and Second Hesitations, and her favorite book was First and Second Magnesia. That lady loved magnesia. 2007a Baucham Family-Driven Faith 22 : I am amazed at the number of intelligent, Jesus-loving, Bible-toting, ministry-minded young men who absolutely refuse to grow up and take a wife. It is as though there was a new book of the Bible discovered (I call it 2 Hesitations) that reads, “Thou shalt not marry prior to graduate school, or at least until you have a middle-class income and a 401(k).” 2007b Jim (user comment) (23 Oct.) christilling.de : Mr Jones is balding—that’s the mark of the beast in 2 Hesitations 3:3. 2010 Viguie I Shall Not Want 000 : “My favorite Bible verse is … First Hesitations 1:3. He who does not toot his own horn, whereby shall it be tooted?” “That’s not a real verse!” she burst out. “That’s not even a real book in the Bible!” “I heard it once in youth group years ago, and it always stuck with me. You’d be surprised how many people go scurrying for their Bible trying to look it up when I tell them.
Hezekiah n. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
1997 Petersen The Christian Book of Lists 53 : Books of the Bible That Don’t Exist but Sound Like They Should: Hezekiah … Ruminations … Second Hesitations.
Opinions n. As in: Second Opinions; 2nd Opinions. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
Ruminations n. As in: Second Ruminations; 2nd Ruminations. A fictitious book of the Bible cited with mock gravity for ironic or humorous purposes.
For more information, see *FICTITIOUS BOOKS OF THE BIBLE.
1997 Petersen The Christian Book of Lists 53 : Books of the Bible That Don’t Exist but Sound Like They Should: Hezekiah … Ruminations … Second Hesitations.
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  • Saul Aboutmee

    Hezehiah II 3:16 “God helps those that help themselves”.

    • timoteostewart

      Nice!

  • Mike Stidham

    And then there was (at least in the wrestling world) the infamous Austin 3:16, which meant “I (referring to Steve Austin) just kicked your ***!”

    • timoteostewart

      Ha ha! I’m making a mental note of this one. Not sure it’s Christianese, but it’s hilarious.

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  • Karatetom537

    Now please turn in your book to 1 Procrastination’s verse 15 which states, “The productive one shall become weary, but the one who sits around will gain abundant energy for the next day.”

  • kirkdickinson

    Blessed are the Flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    II Ruminations 7:12